It’s spring-break time. Refill your Ambiens and cue the crying babies, it’s the Duchess’ Guide to travel, people. Yes there are a set of common courtesy rules as well as some unwritten laws to make your traveling much more efficient and enjoyable. Whether you’re taking the Amtrak to Manhattan for a weekend, a bus to Oklahoma to knit scarves for the homeless or a 737 to Nassau, Bahamas where you plan on leaving your functioning liver along with any remaining shred of good moral judgment, follow along.
Number 1, be respectful of the people around you. If you are taking enough luggage to last you through the apocalypse, please don’t take public transportation. It’s extremely rude. We have all ridden the T and have tripped over some oblivious girl as it takes her 20 minutes to pay her fare, load all 17 of her bags on the car and to try and find a seat near said bags. Just take a cab. Trust me, the 20 dollars will be less likely to kill you than the enraged urban passengers.
This goes along for cell phone use as well. Negative attention is not cute. Nobody cares that you’re walking around the airport on your iphone yelling about the previous night in a velour suit and trucker hat. We have all experienced this person. Instead of ordering another cocktail to drown out the annoying ramblings of the Snooki-alike, sternly stare at her in a way that makes her realize you are maniacal and terrifying. If she does not get the hint that she is an annoying twat, let the sociopath next to you with the hiking pack confront her. Hiking packs are very intimidating, like what the hell is in THERE?
Number 2, dress to impress. When traveling, one should always look their best. Why, you ask? The answer is simple, one should ALWAYS try to look good, why is that even a question. Imagine you step in line at Starbucks to order a Passion Tea Lemonade and you’re behind Kanye West. Yes, I’m sure he would be excited to be behind a girl wearing Ugg boots and her High School football team’s hooded sweatshirt. Not.
Also, nobody in the airport has any idea who you are. Have fun with that idea. Let’s just say that the guy in 1 carat bezel set cuff links won’t be fighting to sit next to the girl with the neck pillow, breathe right strips and yoga pants.
Number 3, be careful with your meds. It has happened to us all. Our fear of flying has left us white-knuckled hyperventilating with our heads between our knees. It may have been last night’s hangover but chances are it was most-likely phobia related. God invented a pill for this, and by God I mean the money-hungry pharmaceutical industry. Xanax is a beautiful thing, yes, but DO be careful. It takes the edge off of things and makes you feel like you’re jaunting down the Yellow Brick Road to get to Willy Wonka’s Ever Lasting Gobstopper. Whatever you do, do NOT have an alcoholic beverage. Chances are you will wake up in a pile of your own drool and will have missed your destination by 4 hours to a day.
Number 4, steer clear of airplane food. Trust me on this one, you’re better off getting a form of nutrients from a Belvedere and tomato juice. If you’re on a long enough flight that they offer you a meal, it will be packed with enough sodium to make you bloat like Kirstie Alley. No lie, you will exit the plane looking like you made a late night stop at Taco Bell after killing a keg of Rolling Rock. Also, think about the havoc ensuing in your intestines. Just, a pointer. Eat a pretzel and a piece of Orbit gum, you’ll be fine.
With that being said, darlings. Enjoy your spring breaks and everybody be safe. Happy travels to all. xoxoxo
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