Good morning, darlings. It’s 60 degrees out, the sun is shining and it just so happens to be International Women’s Day. Before you start reading Carol Gilligan and burning your bras, let’s look at a few ways we can feel like intimidating bitches every single day. Have you ever been out with friends and there was that really annoying girl... the girl who was about as much enjoyment as a spin class in July? Picture it, she giggles too much, talks about her needle-point class, only drinks white zinfandel, and has the personality of a dried sponge. If you are anything like me, you got hog-wild with your BAC and did your best Mel Gibson impression. AKA you made a complete ass out of yourself and horrified this poor girl. Here are a few pointers on intimidating the entire world and letting them know that you are a crazed duchess with an extensive neurotransmitter deficiency.
- Be outspoken. Always, always speak your mind, ladies. Life is too short. Never sit back and let your thoughts play air hockey in that head of yours, what the hell is the good in that? Since you are a duchess, you will be well-read, and grounded. Your thoughts and words are an extension of you, share them.
- Stand out. If there are 25 girls in a room, be the one that makes the other 24 turn their heads. Dare to be different. Dare to flaunt the styles others are afraid of. If there are 24 girls with long hair, North Face Jackets and UGG boots, be the girl with the magenta lipstick, platinum blonde pixie and Christian Louboutins. The world is your playground, my darlings.
- 5’10” is the new 4’10”. Ladies, tall is a blessing. It’s an incredible feeling to tower over a man, give it a try sometime. Think Nicole Kidman, only she left the troll and ended up with Keith Urban, proving truth to the rule. Also, natural selection will be in your favor. They call it ‘top-shelf’ liquor for a reason...
- Throw out your Nicolas Sparks books. Instead of reading a slew of love stories, focus on the classics. Read a little Lord Byron if you’re looking to get your rocks off. Trust me, Paradise Lost and Dante’s Inferno will appear more realistic than those obnoxious books meant to make you reevaluate your life of scandalousness and poor-decision making.
- Go big or go home. Trust me, dainty was so 1920’s. Buy some men’s aviators, a man’s watch and try to tackle the unkempt but ridiculously expensive eyebrow look. Remember, your main purpose is to intimidate the shit out of people. No one is afraid of a girl in rhinestoned Tiffany sunglasses with a Pandora bracelet.
- Refine the palette. Learn to eat and drink like a rockstar. Life is too short. (Insert absurd YOLO comment) Stop fad-dieting and enjoy your life, while learning to eat like a piece of Euro trash, Zara wardrobe not included.
- Release more dopamine. Eat more chocolate. Drive faster. Have more sex. Drink more wine. Fall in love. All in moderation, I suppose, or something like that.
- Climb the corporate ladder. It’s 2012. Women are making more money than their partners. Don’t be afraid to be the bread-winner. Bring home the bacon, men LOVE bacon. You can start utilizing your ovaries when you get around to it.
- Start carrying cash. Am I wrong? Aren’t we always intimidated by people who carry around large amounts of cash? As long as you’re not in the Starbucks line unfolding $2 bills, I don’t really see the problem.
- Be true to yourself. I hate trite remarks and cliched statements, but it’s actually a pretty good one. You are a result of the fastest swimming sperm cell, why would you change for anybody? You are a duchess, we don’t do that. Sorry, the boyshorts are staying.
Get out there and enjoy being a woman. xoxoxoxo much love, darlings. Cheers.
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