I completely understand that I’ve been MIA, but I can explain. I’ve been working like a sweat-shop laborer to save money to move out of my grandmother’s house. I’ve finally decided to cut the apron strings, and dear lord it is pricey. Aside from rummaging through the sofa cushions for enough quarters to start a savings account, I’ve been jet setting across the Continental US. (ok, just Nashville, TN and NYC, but I consider it a big deal. I live on an island don’t forget.)
Since I can’t think of anything important to blog about (send me ideas people)... I decided I can’t keep getting white-girl wasted off of Argentinian wine while hyperventilating over Fifty Shades of Grey. I mean, I CAN, but let’s get a grip here.... I’m one uneventful night away from joining a book club and devoting my life to celibacy and Harry Potter. I’m just kidding, I’m as fabulous as ever.
Here is a bucket list for every duchess to dissect and devour. Tiny steps you can take to ensure your stain on this planet is nothing short of over-the-top and fantastic. Buckle up, my cherubs.
1. Tattoo yourself. You will feel better, trust me. I’m not saying you should get your deceased cat’s name across your forearm, but if you miss your calico friend so much, go for it. Think of something that truly expresses a piece of your life and make it into art. Beauty is pain. Embrace the ink. You will have this mark for the rest of your life, think long and hard.
2. Smile. Smiling should be the first thing you do when you wake up, ensuring a phenomenal day. Not only do I try to get eight hours of sleep each and every night, but I try to make sure I have dreams of Alec Baldwin, Jacoby Ellsbury and Joaquin Phoenix, what can go wrong there? Nobody wants to sit with somebody who looks like they’re having a colonoscopy, right? Put a smile on your friggin face. Chances are your mother’s third husband bought you veneers for your college graduation... make him proud.
3. Stop fucking overanalyzing.
-Should I call him? He’ll think I’m a psycho.
-Should I text him first? Oh God, I can’t.
-Should I send him an edible arrangement on his birthday?
Relax, hookers. Live on the edge. Get a hold of your emotions. If you want to talk to somebody, pick up the phone. If you miss somebody, tell them. If you love them, swallow your pride and say it. What’s the worst thing that will happen? You get burned a little by rejection and are out the next night swigging whiskey and sucking face with an attorney? #toughlife You are a duchess, you’ll be beating them off with your fascinator if you stop being an insecure, over sensitive twit.
4. Move on in all aspects of your life. Improve improve improve. Imagine if you bought a used Honda Civic on your 21st birthday. You are now 28. Do you go back to the car dealership and purchase the same car, with added mileage, and the same amount of problems if not more? No. Apply this to all areas of your life. Get a new apartment. Go after a new job. Get a NEW boyfriend. If you are on your way to meet the man in your life and you feel pangs of anxiety and unease as opposed to feelings of I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off and make out with you until 2020, then you should probably hang it up, sister. Seriously, move on. Stop going back to the vortex of crazy. There’s some poor bastard out there who wants to put a ring on it, and trust me it’s a Harry Winston.
5. Get a doctorate. Why? Why not. Every last name sounds better with PhD. attached to the end. What else are you doing in your life. Open an effing book and pay too much money for a heinous gown that will make you look like Professor Dumbledore. (TWO Harry Potter references in one post, I’m embarrassed.)
6. Travel. See the world. I’m not talking about Epcot people. Americans do NOT travel enough. Too many people tell me that they have never left the country. The world is a gorgeous place. Eat Paella in Spain, spend all morning hugging the toilet bowl in Amsterdam, enjoy chocolate in Belgium, have some Beaujolais under the Eiffel tower. Let the map be your playground, my darlings.
Please don’t ever forget how fucking fabulous you are. Never settle for less than everything, please don’t forget that. Now, drive around all day blaring Lady Gaga “born this way.” Kisses.
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