Duchess' Quick Guide to Travel

It’s spring-break time. Refill your Ambiens and cue the crying babies, it’s the Duchess’ Guide to travel, people. Yes there are a set of common courtesy rules as well as some unwritten laws to make your traveling much more efficient and enjoyable. Whether you’re taking the Amtrak to Manhattan for a weekend, a bus to Oklahoma to knit scarves for the homeless or a 737 to Nassau, Bahamas where you plan on leaving your functioning liver along with any remaining shred of good moral judgment, follow along.

Number 1, be respectful of the people around you. If you are taking enough luggage to last you through the apocalypse, please don’t take public transportation. It’s extremely rude. We have all ridden the T and have tripped over some oblivious girl as it takes her 20 minutes to pay her fare, load all 17 of her bags on the car and to try and find a seat near said bags. Just take a cab. Trust me, the 20 dollars will be less likely to kill you than the enraged urban passengers. 

This goes along for cell phone use as well. Negative attention is not cute. Nobody cares that you’re walking around the airport on your iphone yelling about the previous night in a velour suit and trucker hat. We have all experienced this person. Instead of ordering another cocktail to drown out the annoying ramblings of the Snooki-alike, sternly stare at her in a way that makes her realize you are maniacal and terrifying. If she does not get the hint that she is an annoying twat, let the sociopath next to you with the hiking pack confront her. Hiking packs are very intimidating, like what the hell is in THERE?

Number 2, dress to impress. When traveling, one should always look their best. Why, you ask? The answer is simple, one should ALWAYS try to look good, why is that even a question. Imagine you step in line at Starbucks to order a Passion Tea Lemonade and you’re behind Kanye West. Yes, I’m sure he would be excited to be behind a girl wearing Ugg boots and her High School football team’s hooded sweatshirt. Not.

Also, nobody in the airport has any idea who you are. Have fun with that idea. Let’s just say that the guy in 1 carat bezel set cuff links won’t be fighting to sit next to the girl with the neck pillow, breathe right strips and yoga pants. 

Number 3, be careful with your meds. It has happened to us all. Our fear of flying has left us white-knuckled hyperventilating with our heads between our knees. It may have been last night’s hangover but chances are it was most-likely phobia related. God invented a pill for this, and by God I mean the money-hungry pharmaceutical industry.  Xanax is a beautiful thing, yes, but DO be careful. It takes the edge off of things and makes you feel like you’re jaunting down the Yellow Brick Road to get to Willy Wonka’s Ever Lasting Gobstopper. Whatever you do, do NOT have an alcoholic beverage. Chances are you will wake up in a pile of your own drool and will have missed your destination by 4 hours to a day. 

Number 4, steer clear of airplane food. Trust me on this one, you’re better off getting a form of nutrients from a Belvedere and tomato juice. If you’re on a long enough flight that they offer you a meal, it will be packed with enough sodium to make you bloat like Kirstie Alley. No lie, you will exit the plane looking like you made a late night stop at Taco Bell after killing a keg of Rolling Rock. Also, think about the havoc ensuing in your intestines. Just, a pointer. Eat a pretzel and a piece of Orbit gum, you’ll be fine. 

With that being said, darlings. Enjoy your spring breaks and everybody be safe. Happy travels to all. xoxoxo

Happy International Women's Day

Good morning, darlings. It’s 60 degrees out, the sun is shining and it just so happens to be International Women’s Day. Before you start reading Carol Gilligan and burning your bras, let’s look at a few ways we can feel like intimidating bitches every single day. Have you ever been out with friends and there was that really annoying girl... the girl who was about as much enjoyment as a spin class in July? Picture it, she giggles too much, talks about her needle-point class, only drinks white zinfandel, and has the personality of a dried sponge. If you are anything like me, you got hog-wild with your BAC and did your best Mel Gibson impression. AKA you made a complete ass out of yourself and horrified this poor girl. Here are a few pointers on intimidating the entire world and letting them know that you are a crazed duchess with an extensive neurotransmitter deficiency.

1. Be outspoken. Always, always speak your mind, ladies. Life is too short. Never sit back and let your thoughts play air hockey in that head of yours, what the hell is the good in that? Since you are a duchess, you will be well-read, and grounded. Your thoughts and words are an extension of you, share them. 
2. Stand out. If there are 25 girls in a room, be the one that makes the other 24 turn their heads. Dare to be different. Dare to flaunt the styles others are afraid of. If there are 24 girls with long hair, North Face Jackets and UGG boots, be the girl with the magenta lipstick, platinum blonde pixie and Christian Louboutins. The world is your playground, my darlings.
3. 5’10” is the new 4’10”. Ladies, tall is a blessing. It’s an incredible feeling to tower over a man, give it a try sometime. Think Nicole Kidman, only she left the troll and ended up with Keith Urban, proving truth to the rule. Also, natural selection will be in your favor. They call it ‘top-shelf’ liquor for a reason... 
4. Throw out your Nicolas Sparks books. Instead of reading a slew of love stories, focus on the classics. Read a little Lord Byron if you’re looking to get your rocks off. Trust me, Paradise Lost and Dante’s Inferno will appear more realistic than those obnoxious books meant to make you reevaluate your life of scandalousness and poor-decision making. 
5. Go big or go home. Trust me, dainty was so 1920’s. Buy some men’s aviators, a man’s watch and try to tackle the unkempt but ridiculously expensive eyebrow look. Remember, your main purpose is to intimidate the shit out of people. No one is afraid of a girl in rhinestoned Tiffany sunglasses with a Pandora bracelet.
6. Refine the palette. Learn to eat and drink like a rockstar. Life is too short. (Insert absurd YOLO comment) Stop fad-dieting and enjoy your life, while learning to eat like a piece of Euro trash, Zara wardrobe not included. 
7. Release more dopamine. Eat more chocolate. Drive faster. Have more sex. Drink more wine. Fall in love. All in moderation, I suppose, or something like that. 
8. Climb the corporate ladder. It’s 2012. Women are making more money than their partners. Don’t be afraid to be the bread-winner. Bring home the bacon, men LOVE bacon. You can start utilizing your ovaries when you get around to it. 
9. Start carrying cash. Am I wrong? Aren’t we always intimidated by people who carry around large amounts of cash? As long as you’re not in the Starbucks line unfolding $2 bills, I don’t really see the problem.
10. Be true to yourself. I hate trite remarks and cliched statements, but it’s actually a pretty good one. You are a result of the fastest swimming sperm cell, why would you change for anybody? You are a duchess, we don’t do that. Sorry, the boyshorts are staying. 

Get out there and enjoy being a woman. xoxoxoxo much love, darlings. Cheers. 

Duchess' Guide to Family Survival

March is upon us people, comes in like Joan Rivers, out like Kate Upton (or something like that.) You know what this means, the impending arrival of spring. Iron your seersucker shorts, wax your kittens, choose your new Lilly print and throw some highlights in those dreary locks of yours, the socialite season is upon us. If you have any hopes of surviving what the Mayans predict will be the last spring of your lives, you are going to have to deal with your crazy families. Remember, we don’t choose them. The hedonistic higher being has a sick sense of humor and plays a cruel joke on all of us... forcing us to share genes with people who make a Manson family outing look like a bad episode of Family Ties. 

Let’s start with the root of all insanity: parents. You must love them, even if they are responsible for your nail-biting habits, your racked-up therapy bills and your convict boyfriend. If your parents are like mine, their relationship is basic and healthy: only consisting of phone calls and registered letters from attorneys and law officials. When my mother decides to speak about  my father, her dialogue would make George Carlin blush, completely normal, I agree. When it comes to navigating through your parental interaction, just be yourself. They changed your diapers, caught you facedown in your bed at the age of 15 smelling like peach schnapps and Abercrombie Fierce, and picked you up from after school detention on the regular. They understand that you are a complete and utter train wreck. They embrace it and are hoping that some handsome heir to millions of dollars will find your chemical imbalance quite charming and decide to marry you without forcing a prenuptial agreement. 

Next, siblings. As siblings, you should consider yourself on the same team. Think of it like a flip-cup game. Your weak player will bring you down. What is the prize? Grandparents’ love. The grandparents are looking for the grandchildren who outshine the others. YOU may be a published Rhodes scholar with a PhD in sociology, but if your brother is the lead singer of a death metal band who lives in a one room apartment in Revere, the odds are against you. This equates you to two subpar individuals with a bourgeoise income and an Associate’s degree in African Literature. You will never make it to the top of Nana and Papa’s trust fund with a team like that. Get your shit together people. Your cousins are the enemy. Just realize it already. 

Aunts/ Uncles. Oh boy. Aunts and Uncles are added to the mix to really make things interesting. We all have the aunt who shows up for Easter, gets too drunk off of Bailey’s to drive home, and ends up staying until Memorial Day. Face it, imagine a holiday without her. We must not forget the Uncle with the bad breath and coke bottle glasses... he’ll be wearing the heinous sweater that he will take off by dessert time and be forced to walk around in his frayed white undershirt with the yellow armpit stains. His jokes are corny and his laugh is annoying, but you will never be able to remember how he is actually related to you. He is sort of just there, by default.... “Wait, uncle Eddie is related to who?.....” 

The significant other. Deciding whether or not you want to bring your current love-interest around the family is a serious decision. It can go extremely well, or it can go terribly. It does not matter if you really even like this guy, once again you have to have the best date. It is all about the competition people. I don’t care if he sings you Jack Johnson songs before bed and massages you in hot Egyptian oil after your shower, if Grandma does not like him, you might as well bring Tommy Lee to next year’s dinner. Yes, your cousin’s husband could be the CEO of Charmin Toilet paper, but if he showed up at my house with an Obama t-shirt and bad table manners, Grandma is going to make his life a living hell. 

Ultimately, the best survival tactic is to ‘fake-it-til-you-make-it.’ Your grandparents really have no idea that you have absurd credit card debt, FEMME FATALE tattooed under your right breast or that you are sexting last night’s make-out victim under the table during Easter dinner. In their eyes, you will always be a perfect little duchess, which you are. Remember, we are a product of our upbringings and yes, that should scare you tremendously. Cheers, dolls.