So you survived the date without any tremendous mishaps, wardrobe malfunctions or gastrointestinal maladies. Even if you had a piece of eggplant in your teeth throughout the entire dinner, or your body broke out into an alcohol-induced rash (guilty of both), chances are, things could have gone a lot worse. You may not know him enough to parade him to your house for a Sunday dinner where he will be interrogated like a prisoner of Gitmo, but you’re pretty sure he’s not the Craigslist Killer. All in all, a success for the Duchess.
Now, there are a set of unwritten rules about the post-date social media procedure. I have not encountered them so much on this island, but I have also run into people who still use Myspace, wear Abercrombie clothes and who rub their body in Patchouli oil. I’m not judging, it’s just scientific observation. Let today’s post be a little lesson for all. It is pretty much agreed upon that girls are more obsessed with social media than men. When I say obsessed, I mean they change their profile picture more times than their underwear and they tweet about every emotion they’ve ever had.
Exhibit A: They Tried to Make Me go to Tweet-hab
@JaneDoe is getting her drink on with @randomgirl in the city tonight! #pretendingtogohogwildwhenillbegoinghomealone
@JaneDoe is SO pissed that it’s -5 degrees. Guess I’ll have to wear UGGS! #hopingsomanypeopleactuallygiveashit #UGGSareneveracceptable
@JaneDoe can’t believe what just happened on Glee.
#nosarcastichashtagnecessary
@JaneDoe is eating an egg white omelette with veggies and some turkey bacon!
#janedoeshouldrealizethatnobodyactuallycares
All in all, you get it. Girls are crazy (to-say-the-least). So ladies, if he adds you on Facebook or starts following you on Twitter... I hate to say it, but some lines need to be drawn. This comes from personal experience. So yes, the profile pictures I had from sophomore year spring break had to go. No future President wants his future First Lady sprawled out face-down on a beach with a Red Stripe in one hand and a variety of Mardis Gras beads in the other. I’m not saying you can’t get an intern position, but First Lady is 86ed. You may also want to untag the pics of you playing Edward-40-hands in your best friend’s basement. It was all fun and games until one of you had to relieve yourselves (raises hand).
While we’re on the topic of pictures, enough with mobile uploads of your dogs/cats. I will admit, I’m the biggest offender. My dog is essentially my child but I’m pretty sure no potential love-interest wants to see my Jack Russell Terrier in a princess gown. (Please message me if you would like to see it. I can email it to you! Quite the beauty queen!) I will bend the rules for the creator of http://foodonmydog.tumblr.com/. Please check it out, my darlings. The Duchess gives it an A+. The same animal rules do apply to cats. Honestly speaking, the only cat your man is interested in, would never be posted on Facebook. Meow meow. Purr purr.
On to the next rule: please don’t start a poke war. It’s not cute. It’s irritating. It’s like ‘Hi, I’m thinking of you, most likely in a naughty way. I’m too much of a chicken to act on it, so I’ll virtually ‘poke’ you and hope you take it as an inappropriate gesture representing my desire to ‘bang-you’ in my backseat. Please poke me back and reaffirm my belief that we have an unspoken agreement.’ Enough said. No poking.
While we’re ripping apart our bad Facebook habits, stop posting those pictures with inspirational quotes and rainbows on them. THAT’S WHY THE SOCIAL MEDIA HIGHER BEINGS INVENTED PINTEREST. Go to town creating boards that will fill your empty soul with hopes of imaginary weddings/boyfriends/children and baking skills.
Another general rule: if your status makes someone want to slit their wrists in a warm bath... don’t post it. Steer clear of country song lyrics, Marilyn Monroe quotes, excerpts from James Patterson novels and anything that a 19-year-old girl might get tattooed on her ribcage.
Exhibit B: The Attention-Seeking Status Update
Jane Doe “The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”
-Let’s keep in mind that 17 people have probably liked it and every female in your life will comment saying... “what happened?” “Girl, you are so much better than him.” “Baby, let’s get drinks this week.” Enough. Go for a run or something.
vs.
Jane Doe “So and so dumped me for a bridge-watching troll with rosacea and a G.E.D. Who wants to take me out for drinks while I rip him apart and hit on anything that walks by with a collared shirt and a pulse?”
-You will receive much more likes and comments I assure you. Your rate of rebound will be quicker and much more people will be interested in your Facebook posts. A win for the Duchess. Remember, no man is really worth any status update unless you’re trying to campaign for Ron Paul.
Exhibit C: The Painful Over-Share
Jane Doe “I’ve been sick for a week now. I can’t move. I just want to curl up in my bed and watch movies but I have so much work to do. I’m not a happy girl right now.”
-One minute of somebody’s life that you just took away from them. Most people would rather watch the ending of Steel Magnolias than relive the horror of that status update. What are you looking to get out of it? Do you want somebody to come over and do your work for you? Make you cookies? Blah blah blah.
vs.
Jane Doe “I have been sick for a week now. Who wants to come over and we can watch the Food Network and take shots of Robotussin every time Paula Deen says the word “butter?”
-Wow. That’s better. You’ve really captured your reader, and who doesn’t like Robotussin and/or Paula Deen? Any lucky man in your life will be hand-feeding you Hall’s Sugar-Free cough drops and making you his grandmother’s Hot Toddy recipe.
As hard as you will try to make it look like you wear pearls and cardigans EVERY DAY, you want to be honest. Nobody likes that person that untags every picture of them where they have more than one chin or pit-stains. Life is full of imperfections. The Duchess has the remarkable ability to own those. There’s a difference between being a full-blown fake and trying to cover-up your past of Jagermeister shots, hotel parties and keg stands. You don’t want to fool this guy into thinking that you’re the president of the International Relations Honor Society if you can’t spell ‘Israel.’
Lastly, don’t sugarcoat your intellect or verbal style for anybody. If you want to post something that will make George Carlin blush, I say go for it. Pictures are a little different, but the U.S gives us freedom of speech and please do not be afraid to use it. If your political rant about Newt Gingrich pisses him off, he’s not worth your time anyway. I’m not saying you should describe last night’s booty call in your status, but a little wit and cleverness will get you far in life.
If he reads your updates and you realize that he does not comprehend them, then you must kick the knucklehead to the curb. It doesn’t matter if he has Joaquin Phoenix’s face on Jacoby Ellsbury’s body... if his brain is the size of a walnut, you want nothing to do with it. It will make you sad to see the sex-pot out of your life, but a duchess chooses a toned frontal lobe over a set of ripped glutes any day. You deserve the best, and it is within reach. At the end of the day, my cherubs, we are forced to live with our own decisions. Choose wisely, I know you will. Kisses. Until next time, my regal kittens.
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