That awkward moment when your friend leaves you sitting next to the one person in the room that you can’t stand. The one person who starts to engage in conversation and you can’t decide if you would rather have a root canal at that very moment or an unanesthetized colonoscopy in a communist country. It’s a terrible feeling, really. As a duchess, you must avoid these people. They only bring you down. Here is a guide to the most obnoxious people forced to roam this spinning rock. If you can’t possibly avoid them because unfortunately they share your DNA or have entered your perfect life via marriage.... read on, kittens:
1. “The couple.” The boyfriend/girlfriend that only go out together. The couple that only hangs out with other couples. That awful friend who has been engaged for 7 minutes and has used the word fiance 764 times. Yes, you are happy for them. It gets a tad annoying when every sentence starts with ‘we....’ ‘poor-bastard and I....’ ‘our car...’ ‘our house....’ Yes. Great. You’re a couple. Duchesses, don’t ever let go of your individual shine and superiority. In the world of women, be the Zsa Zsa Gabor, not the Tammy Wynette. Go out and buy yourself a new David Yurman ring to celebrate how incredible you are.
2. “The person who always plays: my-dick-is-bigger.” You know this person all too well.
Friend 1: “How are you?”
Friend 2: “Meh, I’ve been better. Finally finished that project at work and I’ve come down with a bad cold. How about you?”
...before you can even finish your tiny blurb about your own maladies and problems...
Friend 1: “OH MY GOD. I KNOW. Since I have a harder job than you, my project was WAY MORE INTENSE AND TIME CONSUMING. I also have come down with pneumonia, asthma, type 2 diabetes, parseltongue, a painful menstruation, conjunctivitis, a bleeding ulcer, colitis and I have 4 planter’s warts on my feet. So I know exactly what you’re going through.”
..... Take a deep breath. Calm the urge to smack this over-exaggerating hooker in the face with the nearest blunt object. Simply voice your dearest condolences for her hard time and change the subject. You are a duchess, so this shouldn’t really ruffle your feathers. He/she is a pathetic twit and all is well. Finish your gimlet, pay your tab, and run.
3. “The borrower.” Repeat after me, people: “no.” Sometimes it’s ok to say no.
‘No, you can’t borrow my brand new Christian Louboutin shoes.’
‘No, you can’t take my car for a 45-minute joy-ride because yours has no gas.’
‘No, you can’t borrow my new sweater and return it 4 months later covered in stains and smelling like stale vomit.’
.... We all know this friend. Anything shiny of yours that they see, they need to have it. Maybe I’m a selfish person, but I work far too hard for my things to be handing them out like vegan activist pamphlets in front of a San Francisco McDonalds.
4. “The Authority-on everything...” This is the friend that happens to believe that they KNOW EVERYTHING. Whatever you’re talking about, they have the answer. Pearl Harbor? They were there. Art History? Yeah, they have their PhD in it. Pink elephants? They breed them. Foreign cars? Their Uncle is CEO of Hyundai. Being annoying? Well, that goes without saying.
So we all can clearly visualize that one friend who is the God damn epitome of this repulsive breed. How can you deal? Flash your pearly white smile and nod. Keep nodding. You are a duchess, meaning you’re extremely perfect and educated. Keep allowing this fuck-nut to ramble about things that he/she has no idea about. As soon as they are finished, gently school them on all things they touched on. Do it in a kind and convictive manner, which should come easy to you. Then, smile at your head-scratching friend who is left dumbfounded by your brilliance, order yourself a Glenlivet neat and marvel at your perfected brain-rape.
5. “The ass-kisser...” That person who would compliment you if you were wearing a shredded trash bag and a pair of mismatched Old Navy flip flops, yes the 2 for 5 dollar ones. They just have to kiss your ass no matter what, I don’t get it. It’s nice the first time, but it does get annoying. Appreciate the fact that you have a small fan club and be gracious. Hold the eye-roll until your back is to them and then you can quickly vacate the premises of said brown-noser. Nobody likes the friend who compliments your weight loss when all you can fit into are yoga pants and hooded sweatshirts.... or your new hair cut which you’re pretty sure looks like a bleached out Bieber cut. Alas, smile and nod ladies.
6. “The sloppy drunk...” Ok, ok, ok... we all have our nights... Yes, I did wake up in a Foxwoods bathrobe one night next to a 20 pound bulldog named ‘Meatball’.... it happens.... It does get old having the friend who does that every night they’re out. They meander up to the bar, hopefully not hiccuping and without better judgment start pounding Long Island Iced Teas. Next thing you know they’re face planting in their 4-inch heels, flirting with the illegal, toothless bouncer and picking fights with the group of linebacker-looking girls across the bar. As a good friend you just have to make sure she gets home safe and that she gave you enough laughs/ Patron shots throughout the night to warrant your new babysitting gig. If it gets out of hand, have a talk with 'Lindsey Lohan.' Tell her to slow her roll before she starts decorating the walls of The Betty Ford Clinic and buying flare jeans that will fit over her alcohol anklet.
7. “The man-stealer...” This makes me cringe just typing it. You know the scene. You start eye-fornicating with the hot brunette across the bar. He’s not creeping you out, but he’s making it known that he would like to have a fun make-out sesh/ play a little sexy time. Naturally, you casually escape to the ladies room where you’ll pee, redo your makeup, hoist your twins up, apply enough lip gloss to choke a small animal and dab some Marc Jacobs rollerball on your neck. You exit the bathroom and your man-stealing friend has her drunken mouth all over the hot brunette. Slopfest, party of two. Instead of grabbing her by her extensions and slamming her head on the marble bar, keep your cool. Consider the fact that she is a raging douche and there are probably 50+ other guys you can attack.
8. “The cigarette bummer...” Isn’t it always the same girl who asks for a cigarette but never has her own. Why is this?
Free loader girl: “Hey, do you have an extra cigarette?”
Friend: “Oh my God. Yes. You’re so lucky. The tobacco company accidentally gave me a malfunctioned box and instead of twenty cigarettes they gave me twenty-one.”
Why? Why? Why? Buy your own, doll-face. She will also most likely put your lighter in her pocket so be careful. Sticky mitts are dangerous....
Moral of the story: life is too short, and unfortunately we must learn to live with one another. Grow up, move on, and laugh it off. Life is too short to be anything but happy my darlings. That’s enough for a PMS rant out of me for one blog, enjoy my dears.
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